The-Homocidal-Freaks-Get-A-Job Saga!
by Deekz
Summary: The title is pretty self-explanatory. This all starts with Rufus getting a job as a Daycare Center guy. What happens? Read it! Alas, after seven months of nothing...there is something. o.O
1. Rufus's Daycare Center--Day 1

The-Homicidal-Freaks-Get-Jobs Saga - Rufus's Daycare Center Job!  
By: Deekz  
  
  
Disclaimer: I really hate saying this, but, aw hell. I don't own Squaresoft. I don't own Final Fantasy. I only own...my stuff. So don't sue me, because you'll just get a lot of useless stuff.  
  
  
  
Rufus (magically) comes alive after the WEAPON & Meteor attack, and he has no gil. He doesn't know anyway to get any money, the only job opening he could find was a job as a day care center person at a school in Kalm. And so the nightmare begins…  
  
  
Principle: Alright, so you want to work at the daycare center?  
  
Rufus: Uh-huh.  
  
Principle: So what do you specialize in?  
  
Rufus: Well, I can counsel people a little.  
  
Principle: That's good.  
  
Rufus: I know how to use a shotgun and I'll use it to shoot any kid that gets on my nerve.  
  
Principle: That's good.  
  
Rufus: And that's about all. Oh, and I have my magically revived Dark Nation with me.  
  
Principle: OH MY GOSH! IT'S SOOO KYOOT! (Principle goes over to pet the Dark Nation, but the Dark Nation jumps up and devours the Principle)  
  
Rufus: (Shrugs) Oh, well, I'll just take the job.  
  
--Later--  
  
Rufus: (Sitting in the quiet little room) It's quiet…they should be here… (Suddenly an arrow embeds itself right next to Rufus's head) ACK!  
  
Kids: (Come rushing into the room screaming and yelling)  
  
Teacher: Thank you, thank you, thank you! THANK YOU! I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THESE INSANE KIDS EVER AGAINNNNNN! (Runs off)  
  
Rufus: Um…  
  
Joe: It's Mr. Shin-Ra President! He came back from the dead! He's a ghost! (Kids all scream and run into corners)  
  
Bob: Don't worry! I'm a Ghostbuster! See? (Pulls out some actual Ghostbuster material)  
  
Rufus: ACK! PUT THAT AWAY! (Pulls out his shotgun)  
  
Kids: (All scream in terror and run around panicking)  
  
Rufus: Ahhh, that's better. A little. (Takes out some ear plugs) Now THIS is better. (Goes back to doing some paperwork to kill Heidegger for not previously following his order to stop the stupid horselaugh)  
  
--Hours Later--  
  
Kids: Bye bye Mr. Scary Man Who Almost Shot Us!  
  
Rufus: Erm…bye bye kids!  
  
Mom: (Runs up to Rufus) What have you done to Bob?! He now has Ghostbuster material!  
  
Rufus: It wasn't me! I swear it!  
  
Mom: Stop lying! Bob just sucked up my poor parrot with that thing!  
  
Rufus: I didn't do anything! I swear! (Bursts out in tears)  
  
Mom: Fine! Humph! Stupid stuck up brat! (Walks away)  
  
Bertha: Mista Shotgun Man?  
  
Rufus: THE NAME IS MR. SHINRA! NOT MISTA SHOTGUN MAN!!!!  
  
Bertha: Mista Shotgun Man?  
  
Rufus: ERR!  
  
Bertha: Mommy isn't here yet.  
  
Rufus: Oh. Well you can have a ride home on my Dark Nation. He needs something to eat anyway. (Rufus picks up Bertha and throws her at Dark Nation)  
  
Dark Nation: (A couple of seconds later he burps)  
  
Rufus: Ahhh, so far, so good.  
  
--Some more hours later--  
  
Bertha's Mother: Where' s my Bertha?  
  
Rufus: Ah, I fed her to my Dark Nation.  
  
Bertha's Mother: You WHAT?!  
  
Rufus: Hey, he was hungry! He ALWAYS eats people!  
  
Bertha's Mother: Why you…!  
  
Rufus: Ah, I hear his stomach growling, you can be next. (Picks up Bertha's Mother and throws her at Dark Nation)  
  
Dark Nation: (Burp)  
  
Rufus: Ahhh, no more nuisances…  
  
  
  
  
A/N: Now we'll see the next things that are going to happen in the Homicidal-Freaks-Get-Jobs saga. I got a lot of inspiration from one fanfic that has Sephiroth getting a Pre-K Teacher job, so I thank the author. Well, was it funny? Tell me what you think. 


	2. Rufus's Daycare Center--Day 2

Day 2  
  
  
Rufus: (Yawns and gets out from his bed) Ah, yet another day to feed some people to Dark Nation…  
  
Dark Nation: (Wakes up, blinks)  
  
Rufus: (Walks over to his closet and opens the door, revealing several people who have been kept there and starved) Ah, which one to pick? You there! (Points at a big fat woman) You take up too much space!  
  
Woman: Nooo!  
  
Rufus: (Grabs the woman's arm and starts pulling) ACK! YOU'RE HEAVY!  
  
Dark Nation: (Rolls eyes) (Walks over to the woman and wraps its tentacle around her arm and pulls her out) (She lands on the ground and cracks it)  
  
Rufus: DARNIT! YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE THAT IS?!  
  
Woman: (Cowers in the corner) Don't hurt me!!  
  
Dark Nation: (Chomp) (Burp)  
  
Rufus: Good dog…um…cat…dog cat with a tentacle on it…Ah, whatever! (dresses up, blah blah blah, gets in his car with Dark Nation, blah blah blah, arrives at Daycare Center, blah blah blah, hours later, blah blah blah…wait…something happens there…)  
  
Rufus: Ahhh! (puts on earplugs and starts righting a bill claiming that anybody who laughs like, "Kyahaha," or "Gyahhahaha," will be executed) Mmmmm…starting with Scarlet & Heidegger.  
  
Bob: I HAVE MY GHOST BUSTER MATERIALS, AND I'M NOT AFWAID TO USE 'EM MISTA SHOTGUN MAN!  
  
Rufus: (doesn't hear Bob) (still continues doing the bill stuff) Doo, doo, doo…  
  
Bob: GWWWW! (takes out his equiptment and aims the vacuum-thingy at Rufus)  
  
Rufus: Doo, doo, doo… (yawns and lifts his head, seeing the weapon placed in front of him) HOLY…!!!!!!!!!! (takes out an army hat from nowhere and puts it on top of his head) (Dives under a desk)  
  
Bob: JOE, I NEED BACKUP!  
  
Rufus: (cups his hand and brings it to his mouth) (makes some fake static sounds) 98751271928509575 needs backup! Wait, is that how it goes…? I don't know…  
  
Joe: I got yoo now!  
  
Rufus: AHHHHHHHHHH! (takes out his shotgun and points it at Joe)  
  
Joe: (throws down his equipment) I SURROUNDER!  
  
Rufus: (grins) Good.  
  
Bob: BUT NOW I HAVE YOU, MISTA SHOTGUN MAN!  
  
Rufus: GAH! NOOOOO!  
  
Bob: (maniacal laughter echoes through the Daycare room) MWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!  
  
Rufus: That's hurting my ears.  
  
Bob: Sorry.  
  
Rufus: (takes the chance to capture Bob) (Lunges at Bob and aims his shotgun at his temple) Don't move, or I'll shoot!  
  
Kids: (Gasp and turn pale)  
  
Bob: Don't hurt me! I won't hurt you!  
  
Rufus: (Grins evilly) Good. Now go back to coloring that…um…HOLY CRAP! IF THAT A PORN PICTURE YOU'RE LOOKING AT!  
  
Bob: AHHH! Um, no!  
  
Rufus: (Picks it up) You're too young for this! I like it, but I'm old enough to!  
  
Kids: (Gasp)  
  
Joe: You like seeing naked women?!  
  
Rufus: Uh…NO! And if you tell your parents, I'll send my Dark Nation after you!  
  
Dark Nation: (licks its lips)  
  
Rufus: Got it?!  
  
Kids: (Gulp and nod)  
  
Rufus: Good! Now, go along to your usual stuff. (plops down on his chair and sighs in relief)  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: Naughty Bob, naughty Rufus! Well, this is the 2nd day of Rufus's Daycare job, and each little saga will be most likely 10 days. After that I switch to another character. Right now I'm thinking about jobs for Reno & Sephiroth. Sephiroth is going to be a fisherman and Reno…I don't know, actually! I was thinking of having him a janitor or a therapist. Which one do you think he should be? Or, if you have something even funnier in your mind, tell it to me in the review.  



	3. Rufus's Daycare Center--Day 3

Day 3  
  
  
  
  
Rufus: Oh Maria! Oh Maria! Please hear my voice! How I long to be with you!  
  
Bertha's Ghost: Oh my hero, so far away now. Will I ever see your smile? Love goes away, like night into day. It's just a fading dream. I'm the darkness, you're the stars. Our love is brighter than the sun. For eternity, for me there can be, only you, my chosen one... Must I forget you? Our solemn promise? Will autumn take the place of spring? What shall I do? I'm lost without you. Speak to me once more!  
  
Rufus: Come, Maria, follow my-HOLY CRAP!  
  
Bertha's Ghost: AHHH! THE BOOGY MAN!  
  
Rufus: You're, you're…DEAD!  
  
Bertha's Ghost: Thanks to you, meanie!  
  
Rufus: You're welcome.  
  
Bertha's Ghost: Now I get to haunt you all your life! WAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Rufus: (Shrieks) (Runs over to Dark Nation and hides behind it)  
  
Dark Nation: (Looks at Rufus) (Blinks)  
  
Bertha's Ghost: Wahahaha…no one can escape my wrath!  
  
Dark Nation: (Whimpers and cowers in the corner)  
  
Rufus: Dark Nation! You're supposed to protect me!  
  
Bertha's Ghost: I'm…unstoppable! Hahahaha!  
  
Rufus: So the smart thing is to…  
  
Dark Nation: (Awaiting Rufus's decision)  
  
Rufus: (Sits there for 10 minutes thinking)  
  
Bertha's Ghost: …have you thought of anything yet?  
  
Rufus: …nope…wait…yes…RUN! (Dashes towards the door and into his car, followed by Dark Nation)  
  
BG: YOU'RE NOT GETTING AWAY!  
  
Rufus: YES I AMMM! (Starts his car and speeds away)  
  
At the daycare center…  
  
Rufus: (Screams and runs into the daycare) YES! FREE FROM THE ABOMINATION!  
  
BG: What did you say?!  
  
Bob & Joe: It's time for… (Take out their weapons) The might morphin' Power Rangers!  
  
Rufus: What?! I thought you were the Ghostbusters! (takes another look at the weapons) Oh…my…god…HELP ME!  
  
BG: I can beat you with this! (Runs around in a Barney costume)  
  
Rufus: (Shrieks) No, get it away! GET-IT-AWAY!  
  
Dark Nation: (holds up a sign that says: Go Go Power Rangers!)  
  
Rufus: OH MY GOD! YOU'VE BETRAYED ME!  
  
Dark Nation: ^_^; (puts the sign down)  
  
BG: I love you, you love me, together we are family…  
  
Joe: Ha! (jumps forward, attempting to kick BG)  
  
BG: (punches Joe away) Hahahaha!  
  
Joe: Ahhh! (flies away, sparks flying all over from his costume)  
  
Rufus: (cowers in the corner) I am dreaming…I am dreaming…I AM DREAMING, DAMNIT!  
  
Class: (chant) Go Go Power Rangers!  
  
Rufus: AHHHHH!  
  
Bob: (takes out a laser and aims at BG)  
  
Joe: (runs up to Bob and combines his gun with his)  
  
BG: N-n-n-nooooo!  
  
Bob & Joe: HAAA! (fire the gun and BG disappears)  
  
Rufus: Good…now that that Barney wannabe is gone…GET OUT OF THAT DAMNED POWER RANGERS COSTUME!!!!  
  
Bob & Joe: ;_;  
  
Rufus: NOW!  
  
Bob & Joe: (pout)  
  
Rufus: …  
  
Bob & Joe: …  
  
Rufus: …  
  
Rufus: …  
  
Bob & Joe: …  
  
Rufus: …  
  
Rufus: …  
  
Bob & Joe: …  
  
Rufus: …  
  
Rufus: …  
  
Bob & Joe: …  
  
Rufus: …  
  
Rufus: …  
  
Bob & Joe: …  
  
Rufus: …  
  
Dark Nation: (jumps between the two and growls)  
  
Rufus: YOU'RE MY SAVOIR! (hugs DN)  
  
DN: o_o;  
  
Bob & Joe: (give up and change)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: Ehh…sorry for the long wait…but I've decided that Reno will be a camp counselor. Thanks for Reno for suggesting that. ^_^ I was just thinking about White Fang when I thought that being a camp counselor would be good for Reno…wahahaha…okay, anyway, 7 days left for Rufus! Do you think he'll survive?!  
  
Rufus: (runs by screaming)  
  
…I hope so…  
  
Rufus: (about to jump out a window)  
  
RUFUS-SAMA! GET BACK HERE! (grabs Rufus and ties him up) (Puts duct tape on his mouth and hangs him on the ceiling of a sealed room with no windows and a locked door) (puts several clones of horny Scarlets under him) Bwahahaa…  
  
Rufus: (thinks) DEAR LORD! HELP ME! 


	4. Rufus's Daycare Center--Day 4

Day 4  
  
Rufus: Oh, gawd, for a moment I thought that you were giving up, you stupid author!  
  
(no one answers)  
  
Rufus: …well, say something foolish author!  
  
(no one answers…again)  
  
Rufus: DAMN YOU! NOW I HAVE TO WAKE UP AGAIN AND WORK IN THAT STUPID DAYCARE CENTER! DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU!  
  
Dark Nation: Watch your language! ;.;  
  
Rufus: …(goes on doing his daily routine)  
  
At the Daycare Center…  
  
Rufus: (braces himself for an attack by the Power Rangers, but enters relieved)  
  
Everybody: HI RUFUS! We did what you asked us to do for homework! (everybody holds up a shotgun and a severed limb)  
  
Rufus: Good, good…NOW LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!  
  
Everybody: OKAY!  
  
Rufus: (turns on the TV)  
  
Reporter: …crazed children have been seen running around in masks. They had shotguns in their hands and have been reported severing people's limbs and running down streets screaming in joy, saying, "I finished my homework! Yay!"  
  
Rufus: Aw, that can't be my angelic children…  
  
Police: (burst into the room) Hands up!  
  
Rufus: You! How DARE you burst into MY daycare center, you as—  
  
Police: We have reason to believe that these children are carrying guns and severed limbs…please, sir, for you own safety…  
  
Rufus: I'm safe, DAMN YOU! I'm perfectly sure that my children are little angels! They even did their homework! Children, show them your homework!  
  
Children: (hold up severed limbs and shotguns)  
  
Police: That's them! Get them!  
  
Rufus: NOO! There must me some misunderstanding…you see, these are fake severed limbs…ZimBob, gimme that…(holds up a severed finger and prods it) See?  
  
Policemen: Ehh…o.o;;;  
  
Rufus: YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, YOU BAKAS?! (shoves the finger down one of their throats, and they choke to death)  
  
Policeman #2: We'll…um…leave you alone right now…eh hah hah haa…no…LET'S GO MEN!  
  
Rufus: Ahh, that's good. Now children…I have an assignment! (sneers) You must…TRACK DOWN CLOUD STRIFE AND DESTROY HIM! BECAUSE HE DESTROYS ME!  
  
Goth TK: (appears out of nowhere and sends his rabid Tokomon after him)  
  
Rufus: GAHHH! (runs) Off you go, children! Excuse me while I try to get this rabid beast off my…my…my…precious, plump, luscious ass! T.T  
  
Tokomon: (purrs while hanging onto his ass) Looking gooood…  
  
Rufus: Blahh…T.T  
  
Bob: We shall avenge Rufus!  
  
Joe: Yes, we shall destroy Cloud! (looks at Rufus) …and that rabid Tokomon!  
  
Bob: (nods) Yes, we shall!  
  
Joe: Yes, I agree!  
  
Bob: So, let us go!  
  
Joe: Yes, I agree!  
  
Bob: We shall be on our way!  
  
Joe: Yes, we must hurry!  
  
Bob: Hurry! Hurry!  
  
Joe: I am, I am!  
  
(they finally run off towards Kalm)  
  
Cloud: OOOH! TIFA! YOU'RE SO GOOD AT THIS!  
  
Tifa: OOOH! YES! SO…GOOD! HARDER! HARDER!  
  
Cloud: Of course, my dear! OOOH!  
  
Tifa: (rubs her temples) DAMNIT CLOUD, WHY ARE YOUR MATH PROBLEMS SO HARD?!  
  
Cloud: Well…um…you asked for it! OOH! Your's is hard too…I…can't figure out what 1 + 1 is…  
  
Tifa: …what's 1 x 1?  
  
Cloud: I…don't know…  
  
Bob: 1 x 1 is 467, and I know it for SURE!  
  
Innkeeper: They say they could send a hot Tokomon to have sex with me! I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A TOKOMON WAS, BUT I WAS SURE THAT IT WAS SEXY!  
  
Tokomon: (growls and lunges at the Innkeeper)  
  
Innkeeper: Whaaa?! HOLY F***ING SHIT! WHAT THE HELL! (the following scenes have been cut out for extremely gruesome and gratuitous bestiality.)  
  
Bob: EEWW…well…at least we got him off Rufus's fanny.  
  
Joe: (nods) But now… (points at Cloud) YOU…YOU MUST DIE FOR RUINING RUFUS'S LIFE!  
  
Tifa: HARDER! HARDER!  
  
Bob & Joe: …  
  
Cloud: I'm trying! I'm trying! OOH! Can't think straight…  
  
Tifa: HARDER! HARDER! HARDER!  
  
Cloud: I'M TRYING! AND YOU KIDS, GO AWAY!  
  
Bob & Joe: We refuse!  
  
Cloud: Um…where's the innkeeper?  
  
Bob & Joe: …you don't want to know…  
  
Cloud: From what I've seen, it's probably not going to be too bad… (looks out) OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!? (goes blind)  
  
Tifa: You're weak! (looks) AHH! MY EYES! THEY BURN!  
  
Cloud: I…I have been scarred for life!  
  
Innkeeper: H-HELP!!  
  
Tokomon: (growls and snaps, continuing…his…uh…activities…)  
  
Innkeeper: Aahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!  
  
Goth TK: Shut up, you. And Tokomon, you are coming with me.  
  
Tokomon: Bite me.  
  
Goth TK: Damn you. (walks away)  
  
Innkeeper: NO! NO! HELP ME!  
  
Tokomon: NEVERRR!  
  
Cloud: I…have lost my sight! WHY?! WHY HAVE THEY DECEIVED ME?!  
  
Tifa: I lost mine too!  
  
Cloud: Oh, yes, but I can always know if you're Tifa, I mean, all you need to do is feel around the chest area…  
  
Tifa: …  
  
Cloud: Well, it's the truth!  
  
Bob: I…think that's enough.  
  
Joe: Yeah…you're right.  
  
Cloud: Mmmm…Tifa, is that you? (feels the chest area) Oooh, soft…  
  
Zidane: HEY! HEY! MY LINE! MY LINE!  
  
Cloud: Jiggly…like…Jell-O…  
  
Tifa: (bitch slaps Cloud) GET…YOUR…  
  
Zidane: (poke poke) You're right…oooh…soft…  
  
Bob & Joe: O.O;; (close the door, hearing much screaming as they exit. They walk away, leaving the screaming innkeeper to…um…keep on screaming)  
  
Innkeeper: DEAR LORD! OH, MIGHTY DEEKZ, WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME?!  
  
(No answer)  
  
Innkeeper: NOOOOO! T.T  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's note: Okay. That took a while to do. A good seven months to do. I don't know, I got lazy…but I promise you I'll try to revive my other pointless ramble fics! I'm working on A Night With Rufus and the Turks, and also When Choco/Mog goes mad.  
  
Anyway, back to this story. For those of you who don't know (although I would think you would've figured out by now) Goth TK & Tokomon are from Digimon. Well, at least Tokomon is. Goth TK came from Clare, one helluva hilarious person who just happened to make him up. You can visit her site at http://temple.topcities.com for a good laugh. By the way, my stuff will probably start being kinkier. That's my little sadistic humor-ness now…XD 


End file.
